Voice-over Guy: First… There was nothing but then…. There was a post! The first review by the Attack of the Killer B-movies of Doom Club. Now please, take your pills and put your hands together for Hatman and Jenzubean as they bring you… Zombeavers!
Jenzubean: “Thanks Voice-over Guy for that lovely introduction.”
Voice-Over Guy: “You’re welcome.”
Hatman: “Yeah thanks bud. *turning back to the audience* Hey guys. I’m Hatman…”
Jenzubean: …and I’m Jenzubean.
H&J: “And this is Zombeavers!”
Hatman: “So Jenz, thanks to you we recently watched “Zombeavers” and I know we want to get straight into this review but first we need to give them an idea of what this is all about. So here is the official Zombeavers trailer. Have a look it at, we’ll be right here when you get back.”
*One minute and forty-two seconds later.*
*Hatman is playing video games on his phone, Jenzubean is staring off into space and chewing on her thumbnail before noticing the readers staring and nudging Hatman until he realises.*
Hatman: “Ah right so… Awesome trailer right?! We thought so too but we had no idea just how awesome it would turn out to be. From a kooky opening credits, ridiculous plot twists to terrible (even by my standards) puns and sexual innuendos such as heard in the trailer above this movie just delivered hit after hit of hilarity and fun.”
Jenzubean: “Luke (John Mayer) and Joseph (Bill Burr), the toxic waste truck drivers in the opening scene, set the tone for the film with their hilarious, slightly homoerotic, and yet totally serious conversation. And while we’re all guilty of being on our phones while driving, Joseph takes it to the next level by totally obliterating an innocent bystanding deer in the road.
Hatman: “Obliterate is not the word. The deer explodes in a suitably ‘gory’ manner like the balloon filled with bright red paint that it clearly is prompting one of the truck drivers to very dourly tell the other “I don’t think it’s gonna make it.” They promptly carry on driving as if nothing happened.”
Jenzubean: “This of course causes one of the hazardous chemical containers on the truck bed to fall off, roll down the hill, end up in the river and drift down to the beaver dam. Shocking green coloured toxic waste spews dramatically over the beaver dam, eventually resulting in the zombified aquatic mammal infestation we come to know and love later on in the film. Moral of the opening scene : don’t text and drive or zombies will eat some other persons face.”
Hatman: “This is of course where the real ‘story’ starts.”
Jenzubean: “So, basic breakdown is this. 3 college girlfriends decide to spend the weekend at a relative’s lake cabin to help one of the group cope with the new found knowledge of her scum boyfriends cheating ways. It’s all fun, sun and slightly creepy neighbors as the girls get the weekend started, and during their frolicking they even have time to notice the beaver dam by the lake. Obviously, the boyfriends show up eventually to make things more interesting, more awkward and funnier.”
Hatman: “Tell me Jenz, how would you classify a guy yelling “I feel like a Power Ranger!” while you’re having sex? Awkward or funny?”
*Jenzubean ignores Hatman despite giggling at the thought*
Hatman: *Turning back to the readers* “I ask this because this is one of the ‘Is it awkward or hilarious?’ moments and questions this movie presents us with.”
Jenzubean: “Anyway… Carrying on. One of the girls finds a, what they must think is rabid, beaver (in the bathtub of all places) where after much hysterics and attempted gnawing, the guys proceed to beat the poor thing to “death” with a handy baseball bat. Actually, they beat it IN HALF with the handy baseball bat!”
Hatman: “And we do mean in half. The reluctant hero in the scene achieves with a baseball bat, the effect that would normally require a bladed object or at least a blunt axe.”
Jenzubean: “The beaver “corpse” is set out on the front deck and these idiots aren’t even mildly phased when the remains are missing the next morning, leaving behind only bloody little beaver foot prints in its wake.”
Hatman: “Well Jenz… the psychotic beaver we killed and tossed outside last night has vanished. What do we do next?”
Jenzubean: “Back on the lake for more sun, fun and some friendly mocking before the zombeavers attack at last!”
Hatman: “We will try to not give away anymore of the ‘plot’ of the film at this point but I will say that while films usually require some willing suspension of disbelief on the part of the audience, Zombeavers would require a lobotomy to make it seem even remotely believable. This is not necessarily a bad thing as it does make for a lot of fun and good laughs including a scene later on in the movie where two of the trapped co-eds are interrupted mid-coitus only to play a ‘real life’ version of Whack-a-mole except with zombeavers that are trying to kill them as opposed to the usually fairly docile ‘moles’ found in the regular version of this game.”
Jenzubean: “Zombeavers is an 85min comedy/horror extravaganza. Keeping us entertained from start to finish with a hilarious script, a “twerking” zombie beaver-person, a guy cuddling a severed foot, the brilliance of animatronics gone wrong, beavers gnawing on people parts…”
Hatman: “Well in the zombeavers defense, they do eat ‘wood’ after all.”
Jenzubean: “…And some poetic justice while demonstrating the high level of idiocy a group of college co-eds can achieve when put in a stressful situation. I can in all honesty say that I have never heard a grown man laugh as hysterically as Hatman did that night.”
Hatman: “Well ‘hysterically’ might be a bit hyperbolic on Jenzubeans part but I cannot deny that it has been a long time since a movie has literally made my sides ache from laughter.”
Jenzubean: “So all in all Hatman, where would you rate Zombeavers on the Cringe-o-Meter.”
Hatman: “To be honest Jenz, we started off with a bang big enough to make us feel like Power Rangers. From its intentionally bad animatronics, bad puns, ridiculous moments that range from sudden eruptions of toxic sludge to decoy dogs to its catchy and somehow entirely out of place ending credit song, Zombeavers earns itself our highest accolade of “So Bad It’s Good!“.
Jenzubean: “Well there you go folks. Those are our thoughts on Zombeavers. I hope you enjoyed them and let us know in the comments if you agree or disagree but we’re out for now.”
*End credits roll. Suddenly there is a post-credit scene ala Marvel*
Hatman: “Oh and don’t forget to watch the post-credit scene of Zombeavers. It sets the scene for a potential spiritual sequel I would love to see.”