Hatman: “Today we present you with the movie that started this all namely MEGAPIRANHA! If you haven’t read the Attack of the Killer B-movies of Doom Club (or you want to read it again for some reason) you can do so here. We were very excited to track it down and we were not disappointed. Disturbed maybe but not disappointed. Have a look at the trailer below.”

*80 seconds later Hatguy is fiddling with his Leatherman while Jenzubean is checking her messages on her phone. Hatguy looks up and nudges Jenzubean*

Hatbuy: “Oi…You’re up.”

*Jenzubean looks confused for a moment then the penny drops.*

Jenzubean: “Soooo guys and gals… What are the 2 words we all love to hear after we just read the description: ‘science fiction disaster horror film’?? Well, if your answer is ‘genetically modified…’ then you’re right on the money!! In this case, genetically modified Piranha. Now, they gave a lame ass reason in the film (trying to increase the food supply or something!) but why anyone would ever want to genetically modify these already horrifying fish, is beyond me. Plus, probably not the best idea to have piranhas on that list.”

Hatguy: “Well if you are genetically modifying the food supply you need to genetically modify the predators too. You can’t mess with the balance of nature and there is no way genetically modified piranhas could be a bad idea right?”

Jenzubean: “The opening scene kicks off with a random couple walking through the Venezuela jungle, looking for the perfect picnic spot along the bank of the Orinoco River. Surprisingly, they are soon devoured by crazed Piranha.”

Hatguy: “We also learn that while regular piranha are opportunistic feeders that attack whatever enters their waters, genetically modified killer piranha are not satisfied only with targets of opportunity but will actually drag food from the banks of the river.”

Jenzubean: “During the couple’s weak attempt to escape the jaws of these demons, we get the first glimpse of just how bad the CG in this film is going to be. Imagine the soft ripples seen when throwing a small rock into a still pond… then imagine those extreme fart bubbles in the bathtub after eating that 3rd helping of beans… Now, take those two scenes and layer them over each other and BOOOM! I bet that’s how they did it.”

Hatguy: “Bad CG is somewhat of a ‘leit motif’ for this film as many of the CG scenes of the piranha are simply reused over and over merely applying colour filters to distinguish between day an night or even just reused repeatedly in a single scene. The bad CG however is not only limited to the piranha but is also employed for EVERY scene containing a helicopter. all the helicopter scenes are done with equally bad CG, applying blur effects, ostensibly to show how fast they are moving or more likely in a failed attempt to disguise the poor effects. The helicopter scenes are also reused with colour filters applied throughout the movie.”

Jenzubean: “The ACTUAL story begins with the US Ambassador to Venezuela, a foreign minister and a throng of bikini-clad females enjoying a trip down river through the middle of the jungle. The two men have a sufficiently dodgy conversation when suddenly the piranha attack, eating everyone who decided that it was a good time to jump overboard, all the people ONboard and for good measure, the entire boat.”

Hatguy: “The acting is so bad that it is very clear that the people being tossed over board are clearly seen to be jumping and diving into the water as opposed to simply falling into the water.”

Jenzubean: “With no survivors and no means of knowing what exactly happened the Venezuelan government rules it as a terrorist attack, but America is not convinced. The Secretary of State promptly sends his best Special Forces Agent, Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) to find out wtf really happened. Fitch soon encounters Dr. Sarah Monroe (Tiffany) who claims that the Ambassadors boat was eaten by her experimental piranha, but he is only convinced after seeing the fish for himself, coming face to face with one and fighting his way out by way of commando knife. To make matters worse, these monsters inexplicably doubles in size every 36hrs, they can chomp through sheet metal and due to major stupidity on the humans’ part they are heading for Florida.”

Hatguy: “During a particular escape scene, our dashing hero, displays his ninja like skills by avoiding guards who are unable to notice him hovering mere centimeters above their heads despite the fact that they are not rounding an obscured corner but are instead approaching from quite a distance away. Moral of the story: ‘Ninja poses make you invisible’. We are also treated to a wonderful throwback to 80’s action movies when the hero does a ‘suit up’ montage complete with slow motion camera approach before escaping his confinement.”

Jenzubean: “With the demon fish from hell eating their way through several battleships and a nuclear submarine, outliving torpedoes and depth charges, the humans decide to take the battle underwater to the piranhas (who are by now swimming in the ocean!) sending in an army of SCUBA soldiers with guns. The idea was to make the biggest one bleed so that the rest of them would go into blood lust frenzy and eat each other, “effectively” bringing a stop to the piranha rampage. This plan fails horribly to begin with and only “succeeds” after our steely faced hero, Fitch, traps the GIANT mega piranha in a reef and shoots the helicopter stuck in its teeth, making it explode. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a helicopter stuck in its teeth at that point.”

Hatguy: “I hear you all not wondering ‘Why is there a helicopter stuck in a giant piranha’s teeth?’ since that is such a natural occurrence but for the sake of adding a brief nature doccie spin to our post… Voice-over Guy, take it away!”

Voice-over Guy: “Here we see the majestic Mega Piranha gracefully leaping from the water to catch its natural diet, helicopters.”

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Jenzubean: “This film was so bad. I can’t seem to find the words to express to you exactly how bad it was! Don’t get me wrong… Both Hatman and I were super amped for this film! I mean, that poster is what started this ALL! But was it worth the off balance, lightheadedness I experienced halfway through the film, caused no doubt by the seizure inducing flashes seen on screen? Probably. Was it worth seeing humongous piranhas slam through the roofs and walls of buildings, making them explode and one Special Forces Agent laying on his back on the beach fending them off with bicycle kicks? Definitely!”

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Nothing says ‘badass’ like bicycle kicking a barrage of giant CG piranha!

Hatguy: “With acting so bad it occasionally seems the movie was poorly dubbed from a foreign language, laughable CG, killer fish that explode on impact (except for the one that impales itself), glaring continuity errors and leaps of logic so vast that even Superman could not do them in a single bound we have no choice to award Mega Piranha the rating of “No Amount of Drugs…”. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!”

*Insert suit up montage for Hatman and Jenzubean as the lights fade to black during their slow motion camera approach*

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