Hatman: “This week we truly delved into the murky waters of bad film making by watching Poseidon Rex. The poster above and the trailer should pretty much give you an idea of what comes next.”


*One minute and forty-two seconds later Hatman is laughing heartily at what they just watched while Jenzubean merely facepalms and shakes her head. Jenzubean finally regains her composure.*

Jenzubean: “You know, H…. I sat in front of my laptop for a good long while, trying to get this review started and I must admit – it was difficult as hell. Doing what we do, we expect the crappy CGI creations, the teeth grinding clichés, poor acting and the occasional farfetched… uhm… everything! And, admittedly, that’s what gives these films their appeal. We even say it on the Cringe-o-Meter – So bad, it’s good! This film failed – totally. But as you said to me when I remarked after the film was done that it was a piece of crap ‘We knew this, going in.’ and you weren’t wrong.”

Hatman: “Yep, can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Jenzubean: “Okay, let’s get this prehistoric crap show on the road! Off the coast of Belize, the magnificent Great Blue Hole beckons, and our story begins with 4 douchebags on a boat. The one holding an assault rifle sends the other three diving into The Blue Hole, looking for lost treasure, for which explosives are necessary for some reason. The charges are set, they go BOOOM! and thus awakens the huge prehistoric hero of our story.”

Hatman: “Uhm, Jenz.. Why do you call him the ‘hero’ of this movie?”

Jenzubean: “I’m glad you asked, Hatman, and the answer is very simple… Because any human stupid enough to go looking for a giant Dinosaur-like creature, deserves to be eaten.”

Hatman: “Valid point, but let it be known they are in fact looking for the Cortez, a sunken Spanish galleon which sank 400 years ago carrying Spanish, or depending who you ask in the film, Incan gold.”

Jenzubean: “To list the stupid humans – we have Jackson ‘Jax’ Slate (Brian Krause), one of the original douchebags on the boat, who gets knocked out by the blast only to be rescued by snorkeling-couple-on-vacation Rod and Jane (Steve Helmkamp and Candice Nunes) and their scuba guide Henry (Berne Velasques). Instead of taking Slate to a hospital, they end up at the couple’s hotel room where they are joined by busty, blonde marine biologist Sarah (Anne McDaniels). He eventually comes around and after not much convincing, Slate spills the beans about how he owes money to a creepy little one-eyed island gangster called Tariq (Gildon Roland) and how he had promised to pay his debt with Spanish treasure found only at the bottom of the giant submarine sinkhole. Together they hatch a brilliant plan to go out and retrieve the lost Spanish treasure themselves, while unbeknownst to the humans the enormous T-Rex look-alike is wreaking havoc upon unsuspecting islanders – chomping boats and taking names.”

Hatman: “How it can be ‘unbeknownst’ we’ll never truly know.”

Jenzubean: I bet you guys can fill in the blanks, right about now… mass hysteria, death, humans shooting guns but who can’t aim to save their lives, Poseidon Rex (so dubbed by Sarah) splashing around and eating whatever comes in his path. I don’t blame him, really… I mean, they did set off explosives inside his house! I just wish there was more gore, you know? For a giant monster movie, there was surprisingly little gore. And we all know that gore, like cheese, just makes everything better!

Hatman: “P-Rex (yes they actually call it that, guess he’s a royal ‘wee’) is also as comfortable on land as he, or perhaps she, is in the water. Now while we know very little of the physics of giant underwater dinosaurs, P-Rex seems to be one of those ‘magic’ sponge creatures that you throw into water and watch them grow and then shrink again when they dry out because every time P-Rex is on land it seems noticeably smaller than the gargantuan Leviathan that effortlessly chomps entire boats or foolish frat-boys right as they dive off the boat whenever it is in the water.”

Jenzubean: This was 80min of piss-poor acting, boring script, not even remotely believable plot, a Playboy Playmate pretending to be a serious scientist, CG so bad it’s not even funny – honestly, not funny at all. They rip off several films, such as Jurassic Park and Godzilla. It’s so cheaply made that on several occasions during the film you will hear the same song playing!”

Hatman: “By saying ‘on several occasions’ Jenzubean is actually being very charitable since said song is the only song that plays in the movie apart from the to-be-expected overly dramatic score at the right moments. The final showdown against P-Rex is a silly boat chase and bazooka fire, culminating in the most hilariously bad CG ‘headshot’ and decapitated dinosaur. The entire plan to destroy the two dozen or so P-Rex eggs that they know are lying at the bottom of the blue hole also seems to be entirely forgotten once P-Rex is killed.”

Jenzubean: “I must admit that although ‘We knew this, going in…’ I expected at least a few giggles. This movie sucks in the worst way possible, a fail on pretty much every level you could possibly think of.”

Hatman: “Now as bad as this film was, it was still better than MEGAPIRANHA so we grace it with the lofty rating of “Not Drunk Enough!”

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