Jenzubean: Hey Kids! Today we’re very excited to announce the start our first ever ‘SHARK MONTH’. And to answer some of the unspoken questions that just popped into your head? Yes! The list of seriously suckworthy shark movies out there is basically endless, so ‘SHARK MONTH’ will happen on a regular basis. No! We won’t be starting with Sharknado, because let’s face it, it’s been done..

Hatman: Jenz? Have you actually seen Sharknado?

Jenzubean: *rolls her eyes* Listen, H… now is not the time to start getting technical, okay?

Hatman: *Grins* I’ll take that as a ‘No’ then..

Jenzubean:*smiles sweetly at Hatman, with a dangerous glint in her eye* You do that.. *turns back to the audience* As I was saying… we’re doing a Shark Month thing and without any further mucking about, we present to you the 2010 SyFy original – Sharktopus.  

*Two minutes and thirty-eight seconds later Hatman is lounging in his seat and Jenzubean is looking at her watch, anxious to get the review underway*

Hatman: This is the first movie of a trilogy which will be the focus of this, our very first,  Shark Month.

Jenzubean:  Well, tickle me silly! The American “scientists” have done it again!! I just love those 2 words, don’t you? Genetically engineered. You just know it’s going to be a suck-fest when those 2 words are thrown into the mix. And if for whatever reason you are looking forward to an explanation as to HOW this creature was created, you will be sorely disappointed. Apparently, minor details like that aren’t needed in a major motion bowl of crap like this.

Hatman: Let me just interject here. There is a reason mention as to why you would want to genetically engineer a mind controlled half shark, half octopus freak of nature, namely to help patrol the waters for things like drug smugglers and gun runners because who doesn’t need a freak of nature for that. The war on drugs just kicked up a gear.

Jenzubean : First off… Eric Roberts’ name plastered at the top of this movie poster might make you think ‘hmm.. With a semi credible actor I’ve at least heard about, this couldn’t be that bad..’ Well, do we have news for you! Now, I make no secret of the fact that I don’t like Eric Roberts AT ALL. His face, his voice, and his awful acting just work on my nerves and it feels like I’m chewing on a wool sweater when I try to watch him on screen, but this was a low point, even for him.

Hatman: While I have no such drastic reaction to Eric Roberts when I see him, I never expect too much from him. In fact his ‘bad acting’ has become a sort of trademark and you know what to expect from him. While I normally find that entertaining in a good way, this time even I have to agree with Jenz about this film being a low point in his career.

Jenzubean : RightO! Plot points. The US Navy thinks they’re being very smart and commissions the ‘Blue Water’ group to genetically engineer a shark/octopus hybrid for combat purposes. This obviously goes very wrong when Sharktopus escapes during the demonstration and decides to go on a rampage and eat as many bikini-clad women as possible. Also a girl on a bungee rope. And if you didn’t see that one coming a mile away, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Hatman: Not to mention the guy on the zip line. In fact taking part in any tethered airborne activity seems to be like ringing a dinner bell for this nightmarish creation.
The most terrifying aspect of this abomination is that you are not safe on land, sea or in the air.

wwl0gg
Fast food for Sharktopus. 

Jenzubean: Hot on his tail… or his tentacles… is the ex-Navy guy lending his services for a huge wad of cash, along with his trusty side-kick and Roberts’s daughter – also a scientists and very, very smart. We know this how? Because the size of her spectacles is a clear indication of her intelligence, that’s how. They are hunting poor Sharktopus all the way to Puerto Vallarta, armed with guns that are totally useless and 2 tranquilizer darts, because Roberts is a douche and wants the thing alive. MOVING ON! Also in pursuit of our friendly neighborhood 8-legged shark is a 2 person news crew accompanied by a drunk. This vicious reporter who runs around with the top of her skirt unbuttoned the whole time for no apparent reason except questionable fashion, along with her obviously Sharpie tattooed  camera man and the drunk, chases after Sharktopus for the story of a lifetime. And then gets eaten.

Hatman: Don’t forget about the pirate radio DJ, Captain Jack (who does in fact broadcast from a boat) and his Paris Hilton look-alike assistant Stephanie who constantly warns him and begs him to take the news about the sharktopus seriously and make an announcement about it on his ‘show’, which he does before turning it into a joke. The promptly gets him eaten yet uncharacteristically for our 8-legged friend he ignores his favourite meal of top heavy bikini-clad ‘babe’. In all fairness I guess there is only so much silicone you can eat before you need a palate cleanser.

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What radio sound engineer/assistant doesn’t dress like this. The model of professionalism in broadcasting.

Jenzubean: As you can imagine, countless more people die. In my opinion, most of them deserve it for being too STUPID and not RUNNING when Sharktopus discovers it can WALK ON LAND. Another unexplained fact for you to nibble on. It’s simple really, you see a giant Shark/Octopus hybrid coming your way on the beach – don’t just stand and scream like a dumbass. RUN! Also, seeing as the Bikini-Clad-Bimbo-Special is his meal of choice, I’d suggest putting on some clothes to cover all the bouncy bits while you run, just a thought, but we all know sex sells (or whatever passes for ‘sex’ these days..) Side Note: look out for the overabundance of gratuitous ass shots, for Sharktopus ain’t far behind.

Hatman: Sadly it seems that Sharktopus suffers the same affliction as Poseidon Rex (and I’m assuming other aquatic horrors too) in that it seems to shrink when on land. Now while Sharktopus is by no means a runt on land he is frequently and markedly smaller during scenes where he is pursuing our intrepid ‘heroes’ on land. All that aside, with the poor acting, silly motivations and generally downright douche-y natures of the lead characters I found that I empathised more with Sharktopus than any of the human characters.

Jenzubean:  With the horrible acting, downright bad script, questionable cast, dull, overused storyline and cringe worthy CG, you can’t go in expecting much from this film. But I must admit that I’m kind of curious to see what the sequels will bring to the table. Oh yes, you read that correctly. Sequels.

Hatman: While this movie was a far cry from any definition of the word good, even the definition used on this blog, there are certainly worse movies out there. For that reason we award Sharktopus with our ‘coveted’ “Not Drunk Enough” rating.

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