Hatman: “Today we bring you something that caused much debate between Jenzubean and myself namely, Drive Angry. Being a movie starring Nicholas Cage, you can be sure of one thing. It will either be fantastic, or down right disastrous. Nicholas Cage movies have no middle ground. Take a look.”


*Two minutes and twenty-four seconds later Hatman is fiddling with his Leatherman while Jenzubean is carefully grooming her Chewbacca plushie. Upon hearing the end of the trailer both look up again.*

Jenzubean: “When we first started throwing around names of films that we knew for a fact were really bad, Hatman suggested Drive Angry, and being the bubbly bunny that I am, I tell the people in my life what’s next on our list to watch. Unlike the first 3, when I mentioned we were planning on watching Drive Angry, I was immediately bombarded with mixed reviews and feelings. One friend in particular really enjoyed it and told me as much, several times, insisting that it couldn’t possibly go on our blog. Hatman was adamant, though, and I was not disappointed.”

Hatman: “At this point I need to jump in and say that by no means is this movie so terrible it can’t be enjoyed, merely that it is by no means a good movie.”

Jenzubean: “Let’s break this down for you – John Milton (Nicholas Cage), dead man and vengeful father, busts out of Hell in a ’64 Buick Riviera loaded with firepower. Milton is on a warpath, seeking psycho satanic cult leader Jonah King (Billy Burke) who made the grave mistake of murdering his daughter and kidnapping his granddaughter for sacrificial lamb purposes. In turn, Milton is being pursued by the most interesting character in the entire film known only as The Accountant (William Fichtner), Satan’s cocky repo man of sorts, charged with dragging his ass back to Hell.”

Hatman: “It is later revealed that Fitcher is in fact Anubis. How they manage to mash Christian and Egyptian lore together no one knows and I would say that while Fitcher is by no means an oil painting he certainly isn’t dog-faced either.”

Jenzubea: “And to throw some estrogen into the mix, he manages to pick up a sexy, ass-kicking, foul-mouthed diner waitress named Piper (Amber Heard) along the way. All things considered, it sounds pretty interesting so far, doesn’t it?”

Hatman: “Aye there’s the rub. It sounds amazing but trailers, misguided friends and ‘sounds’ can be misleading.”

Jenzubean: “It’s so effing dumb! Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but… Wow! Cage’s character is some twisted, undead, version of Cameron Poe (Con Air) complete with hard glares, raspy one liners and hillbilly hair. Sad thing is, we all know what Cage is capable of on screen! Milton, killing his way through an army of redneck satanic cultists whilst destroying several gorgeous muscle cars, pausing only to traumatize a slutty barmaid with bullet flying sex, is not his best work.”

Hatman: “The effects in the movie were so low budget and bad CG that every action scene became a laughable spectacle despite having great promise. The scene where The Accountant steps out of a hydrogen tanker (no one knows where he found it) as it is skidding around in an arc before flipping over and exploding, onto the bonnet of a moving police car for example goes from being a pretty epic action moment into a comical scene you can’t help but laughing at purely because of the poor effects.”

Jenzubean: “Don’t even get me started on Billy Burke! Worst. Acting. In. The. Film! And that includes the slutty barmaid covered in a bed sheet, blubbering in the corner! Omg, I was so incredibly disappointed with his performance, in fact, his acting had my teeth on edge every time he was on screen. And really? Planning on sacrificing a baby in the name of Satan (who according to The Accountant apparently doesn’t even like Satanists!) is not going to win you any points as a character anyway.”

Hatman: “There are many memorable sex scenes in movies such as the ten second montage in Guy Ritchie’s “Rock’n’Rolla” and it’s beautiful simplicity and ingenuity and then there are scenes such as the sex scene in Drive Angry which leaves the aforementioned barlady blubbering in a corner. The reason for this is that Milton is (apparently) having sex with her while fully clothed. When she asks him if he doesn’t want to get naked he responds with the line “I never disrobe before a gunfight.” Cue a barrage of cultists bursting into the room while Milton proceeds to kill them all while still having sex with the naked barlady. After the carnage has ended he calmly stands up and pulls up his fly.”

Jenzubean: “The characters who made this film for me were Piper and The Accountant. Piper has a well balanced mix of white trash and bad ass bitch going for her, and she totally owns the role. Catching her fiancé cheating, she drags the naked extra party out the front door by the hair and proceeds to kick her ass all the way up ‘n down the front yard. She’s definitely not scared of beating the holy crap out of men either! My absolute favorite was The Accountant. He single handedly made watching this an enjoyable experience. In my humble opinion, William Fichtner is a great actor, and (as usual) perfectly cast for his role as the remorseless, yet classy, demonic entity determined to get Milton back to the fiery pit. His style and dark humor are unparalleled. Using his magical coin to viciously kill people or flipping it in the air, turning it in to an FBI Badge and then convincing State Troopers to kill on site. Rocking up out of nowhere in the middle of a scene to kick ass and still look snappy in his suit or driving a gas truck through a State Police roadblock, blowing up cars as he goes while “That’s The Way I Like It” blares through the radio. And let’s not forget his habit of telling people when he will see them next. Hmm… subtle. I would totally watch a movie just about this one character and his exploits when needing to come top-side.”

Hatman: “What should have been a high-octane thrill ride becomes a laughable comedy/action movie with memorably bad acting and scenes.”

Jenzubean: “All in all, I liked it… but it was stupid. And not the silly/cute/stupid type we sometime love to waste our time with. Bad/stupid. Does that even make sense? I hope so..”

Hatman: “With all that said, this is by no means the worst film in the world and we award it a rating of “Wow… Just… Wow.” Until next time.

 

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